not THAT girl

Song of the Moment: "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga

Mood: amused

"There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out."
- Mae West

 I'm by no means THAT girl. I'm not sure I'll ever be THAT girl. You know the girl I'm talking about... the one that makes guys head turn and other girls talk trash about her behind her back. In fact, I've struggled with self-esteem issues my entire life. I'm also too responsible to be THAT girl. I've always been somewhat of a goody-two-shoes. Sure, I got married young and rebelled a bit in high school. But I always think about the consequences before I make any decision. Which is probably why I didn't drink for the first time until I was 19-- and why I've never smoked a cigarette. I'm far too practical... and perhaps a little old for my age.

I recently read an amazing book called "How to be Hepburn in a Hilton World". It's all about staying classy and fabulous in the world we live in. In my mind, less is definitely more, and I think it's better to leave something to the imagination. ;)

That all being said: I'm ready for something different.  I'm looking to try new things and make my life more fun and exciting. I want to get out more, meet more people. I know I keep saying it, but haven't done much to act on it. Well, I have been doing a couple of things, but those are kind of a secret. And to put things into work, I've got to overcome my self-esteem issues. But it's hard to overcome 24 years of something that is so ingrained in me. Honestly, I have been doing better. In the past few months, I've become more confident in myself and I feel like I'm almost a different person that I was 5 months ago. I dress better, I take better care of myself, I eat better(sometimes), I actually care what I look like when I go out. I am slowly forgetting who I used to be and slowly becoming just ME. (I'm also becoming a little more reckless... but that's a slow process)


I've also decided that once a month I'm going to do something different just for myself. This month: cooking lessons. They're next Saturday at the Viking School: French Culinary Basics. I'm stoked. Next month: who knows?

So what do you think? Any ideas or thoughts? Ta Ta For Now...

♥ tiffany renee

Overthinking, OVER

Song of the Moment: "Don't Rain on My Parade" -- Glee Cast Version

Mood: content

"Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets."

I tend to overthink things. I find myself obsessing over the little stuff, and it's not a good idea. One thing I find myself thinking about constantly is my current situation.

So I'm going to get this out, once and for all, and try my best to be done with it.
If you want to read on...

Tir(e)ing Times

Song of the Moment: "Meet Me Halfway" by the Blackeyed Peas

Mood: frustrated

"Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."

Murphy's Law is a sneaky, sneaky thing that creeps up on you when you least expect it.  For me, Tuesday was Murphy's way of saying "HAHA".

Monday night, I had dinner with an old friend from high school. We had a nice time catching up... then I went straight to work. But as soon as I walked in, I was in for a treat. One of our photogs came in to let me know my tire was flat.  I assumed (silly me) that it was a tire my dad had let me know had a nail in it last week, and I had neglected to get fixed. When I went out to see what I could do the next morning to fix it-- turns out, it was not the tire I had assumed, but instead a different. That was the first of Murphy biting me in the ass. Then I decided that as part of my journey to become self-sufficient and independent (i.e. going to dinner by myself, etc), I would try to change it myself. WRONG. The jack that comes standard on my Jeep Wrangler didn't work because of my 3" lift and 33" tires.

So I call my dad (he's the best)... and he comes out to help me out. Turns out, it's not just a flat, but rather a huge gash in the front tire. He finally gets the spare on(which is tiny compared to the rest of my tires)... and I head over to the tire shop. My tires are "muddin" tires that came on the Jeep when I bought it last year so they are not cheap. I finally make it home around 10 am(I'm usually in bed by 9 at the latest, usually earlier). I wake up around 2 pm (sleeping during the day is hard)-- and get a phone call around 3:30 that my "sway bar link" is broken. What that is, I don't know. Apparently it helps the Jeep not turn over... and I'm fond of not turning over. So that's another hefty addition to the price tag. An hour later-- they call back to tell me I need an alignment. Finally they call back again-- and they're done. So now that I've paid an arm and a leg to get this all fixed, I guess I'll be keeping the Jeep for some time. Lucky me.

In other news-- So I'm pretty sure my divorce is in the works... from here, I'm just looking forward to being single again and having fun. That's the key, I need more fun in my life. I work all the time, and then on the weekends, I don't do much.

And I've been running at work. So number 2 on my list is going okay. My goal for this weekend is to really get to work on finding my "hobby". I'm thinking about looking into taking a cooking class because I love to cook and would love to learn more about cooking. I love to eat so that's a good idea. I just guess I need to try some new things and see what I'm good at and what I enjoy.

That's where I'm at today. Where I'll be tomorrow, I'm not sure. But I hope to find whatever I'm looking for soon. Au revoir for now...

♥ tiffany renee 

To Live For

Song of the Moment: "Heartless" by Kanye West


Mood: TGIF

"When I am anxious it is because I am living in the future.

When I am depressed it is because I am living in the past."

What do you live for? What do you wake up each morning for? Is it your signifcant other? Your family? Your work? Your friends?

That's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. For those of you who don't know, I work overnights. I go to work at 10 each night and get off around 6:30am. I go to bed around 7 or 8... and then I get up each night at different times. Lately, I've been sleeping more and more. And I've been thinking, what do I have to live for?

Here's what I've come across to live for:

• My family: My precious parents and Heather and Trey-- my sister and her husband. And of course, their fabulous little boy, my nephew Lee.
• My friends: I've said it before, I don't have many. But your support is what I live for... I don't know where I'd be today without it.
• My job: Yes, even my job. The news business is unlike anything you can imagine. Yes, some days I dread coming in... but it's not the job, it's the hours that really get to me the most.
• My Dog, Whiskey: For those of you who don't know-- she was my birthday present 4 years ago to keep me company during deployments... and I don't know what I'd do without her. She makes me happy when I'm sad... and she's my little Whiskey girl. =)

Is that enough? For now-- I think so. I know in time, I will find more things to live for again. My life used to be so dependent on Bill... and I look back and I think-- what was I thinking? Becoming that girl, that wife? And I see things so clearly now. Life has to be about more than just one single person. Because when that person lets you down-- then what do you have?

Okay-- away from the deep thoughts-- and back to the new me. Nothing new on Number 1-- other than I think it's in the works.
On Number 2-- I have been running at work this week. Today will be the third day. So it's a start.
The rest aren't really happening, but we will see what this weekend brings.

Some other interesting news-- in the past couple of weeks, I have talked with two former Marine wife friends of mine, and guess what? Their husbands are doing the same thing that Bill did to me(excluding the cheating part as far as I know).

My Misconceptions

Song of the Moment: "What Can I Say" by Carrie Underwood(feat. Sons of Sylvia)

Mood: groggy

"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
-Marilyn Monroe

My misconceptions include:

• thinking my marriage to my "high school sweetheart" would last forever.
• that my husband would NEVER cheat on me.
• that I actually have friends.
• that I'm as strong as everyone else thinks I am.

Here it is-- 2010 in all its glory. What have I done so far on my new year's resolution list? Well as far as Number 1 (File For Divorce) goes... I think I'm in the beginning stages. The vow of silence between Bill and I was broken last week. After doing my best not to call him for two months-- I had to call him about the house payment last Thursday. We only spoke briefly, but he did tell me that he was going to see a lawyer this week. And he said he'd pay all the fees. So there's a good sign. I really wanted to be the one to do it, but if he's already offered to pay for it and has it in the works, so be it. I also told him I was taking everything(because this was all his idea)... and he actually said "ok". We also talked about the fact that NO ONE has looked at our house. It's been on the market for 2 months-- really? That's not ok. We talked about getting a new real estate agent. So we shall see.

Anywho-- I rang in the New Year in Knoxville at a party chock full of gay boys and single straight girls! Of the 3 straight guys at the party-- one was single. Now don't get me wrong-- I'm not looking for anyone new. I'm really not even sure I'm ready to date plus I'd like to get divorced before I start even thinking about dating. I'm already certain I'm going to be terrible at it anyway. I've never had to do it before... both my relationships(that's right, I married only the second guy I dated) kind of fell into my lap.

So let's talk about dating. First-- I don't think I could ever be one of those girls who sleeps around. I'm a one-man kind of woman. Second-- Where am I going to meet these potential mates anyway? I work the vampire(overnight) shift. And then I sleep all day. I barely go out on the weekends... but even so, do I want to date a guy I met at a BAR? I don't think so. Dating just seems out of reach for me... and I don't really know when I'll feel confident enough to even try.

Okay-- back to New Year's Resolutions. Number 2(Exercise) is off to a rough start as well. I did run about a mile on the treadmill at work today, so that's a start. I just have got to stick to it. When I finally do get my own place-- I guess I'll join a gym. I'd like to take some classes like Pilates or Zumba. Maybe I could actually meet some people.

Next up-- Number 3(find a hobby). I'm just not sure which one to choose. But I know I really need to do something to find myself. I need to get a life. I'm tired of doing NOTHING. Anyone have any thoughts or ideas?



P.S. Sorry I've already been slacking on updating this and I just started. I promise to be better. I just haven't had anything new to report. My life is that sad.

♥ tiffany renee

Goodbye 2009... Goodbye Old Me

Song of the Moment: "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha

Mood: confident

"I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you can learn to appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

Marilyn Monroe

Does everything happen for a reason? Did my marriage end because there's something better out there for me? Did it allow me to see that there's more to life?

I believe the answer is yes to all three of those questions.

In the past four months, I have learned quite a few things. One-- I don't have that many friends, but the few I do will always be there. Without that, I don't know where I'd be right now. Two-- I can do this on my own. I can be an independent person again. Three-- I have absolutely no idea who I am. For the past 6 years-- I have been Bill's girlfriend or wife. I had no interests or friends of my own really. And the ones I did have-- Bill made fun of me for. Four-- I really need to GET A LIFE My life before is gone and I need new friends to mix in with the old ones. I've got to put myself out there or I'll never know if I can do this.

I look back and I realize the past six years are about to be wiped nearly clean off my plate. Why would I want to save the thousands of pictures? What would I gain from them? Nothing. So I must erase the past six years... not entirely. But for the most part-- I feel like it's like I never existed and now I'm alive again. How crazy is it that it takes something like this, a catharsis if you will, to make you see that there is so much more to life out there?

In the past four months-- I have done several things I'd never done before:

• I started going out to clubs and bars... something I "hated" before. How could I have hated something I never did? I'm still not all that fond of going out, but I'm learning.
• I also took myself out to dinner for the first time. I mean, I actually went to a restaurant and ate by myself. I never did that before and it's something I find so liberating.
• I'm also seeing a therapist. When everything went down-- I knew I needed help and she's helping me so much with my own issues. (I'll get back to those issues later)

With all that said-- 2009 was a rocky year for me. I brought it in with a husband, a new home, and a what I thought was a new life back home in Tennessee.

This year-- I have none of those things. But the one thing I do have-- a positive outlook on the future.
2010 is going to usher in greatness for me. Can you feel it?

♥ tiffany renee

Undo It: Life Goes On

Song of the Moment: Undo It by Carrie Underwood
Mood: Hopeful

"You had my heart, now I want it back.
I'm starting to see everything you lack.
Boy, you blew it, you put me through it.
I wanna undo it."

Today marks 4 months since my world was turned upside down. Bill, my husband of a little more than 4 years, told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and that I should go stay with my parents. One day later-- I found out that he'd been talking to his MARRIED ex-girlfriend behind my back for 2 months since she moved back to Nashville. He swore they were just friends and only talking about "our problems". But since then-- I've learned a lot of things that would make your skin crawl. I'm currently living with my parents(not so much fun) while the house is up for sale. I was able to take my dog, Whiskey, who has been my comfort through this tough time. She was with me through two deployments... and I don't honestly know what I'd do without my little girl.

But enough of that-- I'm moving forward with my life in this new year. I'm only 24 years old and have plenty of life ahead of me. Now I am going to start 2010 with a long list of New Year's resolutions that I hope to accomplish:

1. File For Divorce: Yes, I am still technically married. Why, you ask? Because I haven't had the money or the willpower to make myself file for divorce yet. It's a hard decision that I know I'm ready for now.
2. Exercise: I have exercised sporadically over the past year, but I really want to get down to business. I need to lose about 10-15 pounds and this is the year I'm going to do it! I wanted to run the half marathon at the Country Music Marathon in April but I couldn't make myself start training soon enough. So now, I'm going to shoot for next year and perhaps runs some 5K's this year.
3. Find a hobby: I've never found one I truly loved and now is the time to do it. Here are some of my ideas:
• Re-learn French (I took 5 years in HS/college so I already should be fluent, but I'm not)
• Take Guitar Lessons (I've had a guitar since I was 16, but never learned to play)
• Photography (I have a nice, older Canon that I've never really used)
• Ballroom/Swing Dancing Lessons(I danced for 10 years when I was younger, and I think this would be so much fun)
4. Go to Paris: Possibly use some of my rusty french. It's been my dream since I was very young and watched my all-time favorite movie "Beauty & the Beast"... and if I don't go now, I don't know if I ever will!
5. Go Back to School:   To do what? I have no idea. I just find myself missing school sometimes.

So you may be wondering what this blog will be about... I promise not to go on and on about my soon to be ex... but as he was my entire life for the past 6 years-- he's bound to pop up sometime. Largely-- I want to focus on tracking my progress over the next year and see where this new life takes me.  Feel free to post any comments, concerns, criticisms or support! I love feedback! Hope you'll stick around for the ride...

♥ tiffany renee