To Live For

Song of the Moment: "Heartless" by Kanye West


Mood: TGIF

"When I am anxious it is because I am living in the future.

When I am depressed it is because I am living in the past."

What do you live for? What do you wake up each morning for? Is it your signifcant other? Your family? Your work? Your friends?

That's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. For those of you who don't know, I work overnights. I go to work at 10 each night and get off around 6:30am. I go to bed around 7 or 8... and then I get up each night at different times. Lately, I've been sleeping more and more. And I've been thinking, what do I have to live for?

Here's what I've come across to live for:

• My family: My precious parents and Heather and Trey-- my sister and her husband. And of course, their fabulous little boy, my nephew Lee.
• My friends: I've said it before, I don't have many. But your support is what I live for... I don't know where I'd be today without it.
• My job: Yes, even my job. The news business is unlike anything you can imagine. Yes, some days I dread coming in... but it's not the job, it's the hours that really get to me the most.
• My Dog, Whiskey: For those of you who don't know-- she was my birthday present 4 years ago to keep me company during deployments... and I don't know what I'd do without her. She makes me happy when I'm sad... and she's my little Whiskey girl. =)

Is that enough? For now-- I think so. I know in time, I will find more things to live for again. My life used to be so dependent on Bill... and I look back and I think-- what was I thinking? Becoming that girl, that wife? And I see things so clearly now. Life has to be about more than just one single person. Because when that person lets you down-- then what do you have?

Okay-- away from the deep thoughts-- and back to the new me. Nothing new on Number 1-- other than I think it's in the works.
On Number 2-- I have been running at work this week. Today will be the third day. So it's a start.
The rest aren't really happening, but we will see what this weekend brings.

Some other interesting news-- in the past couple of weeks, I have talked with two former Marine wife friends of mine, and guess what? Their husbands are doing the same thing that Bill did to me(excluding the cheating part as far as I know).

One happened about 8 months ago and she's doing okay with it. The other is more recent. It's actually Bill's best buddy from the Marine Corps... which is a little fishy to me. I just find it suspicious that it's happening so soon after our split-up-- because I have learned that the two guys have been talking from the other wife. Here's what happened: Just before Christmas-- he told her he wasn't in love with her and hadn't been since they got married FOUR YEARS AGO. Apparently he says he doesn't trust her and believed she had cheated on him while he was deployed (she didn't). So he told her he needed a couple of weeks to "think" about it-- but just like Bill, he already had his mind up. And last week- he informed her he was done and had already gotten his own bank account and lawyer. He's now giving her deadlines on when to get her stuff out of the house. It's a mess. And what's sad is that this is second time he's done it. He did it the Thanksgiving before last... just 6 months after they got out of the Marines.
Which gets me thinking-- this probably happens more often than I thought: Military men get out of the military and just can't deal with the transition. I've had both of these women tell me their husbands are not the same man they married. And I completely agree-- Bill is a completely different person, almost a stranger to me now. I've always thought he had some kind of PTSD from his three tours in Iraq... but he wasn't one to talk about it. And to be honest-- he always refused any kind of counseling though I tried and know it could have at least helped.

Okay--so that was long and probably boring. But I had to get it out. It's something I've had on my mind. My therapist gave me homework: to keep a journal. So I think this is it, my outlet to get my thoughts down and out there. I understand if you don't like it, but that's me. I always write way too much, so if you made it this far-- then kudos to you!!!