Song of the Moment: "Bruised But Not Broken" by Joss Stone
Mood: overheated
"Who says I can't be free from all of the things that I used to be? Rewrite my history, who says I can't be free?"
'Who Says' by John Mayer
'Who Says' by John Mayer
What breaks a person? Love? Hate? Anger? Abandonment? Loneliness?
I'm sure at one point in life, everyone has been broken... may it be from loss of love, loss of friendship, loss of family, loss of work. Whatever it may be... being broken is a completely different thing than being broken-hearted.
Why do I say that? Because I don't feel broken-hearted. Broken-hearted means that emptiness you feel when you lose the one you love; feeling like you'll never be okay again. It means you can't imagine your life without that person and you feel like you just can't go on without them. I don't feel that way... maybe I did at first, but as time has passed I am so sick and tired of dwelling on the past, and what has happened to me-- that I feel like screaming. I'm not angry anymore and I'm not sad; mostly, I'm just content and taking things as they come my way.
But I am broken. I had this life that I lived for 6 years and now that life and those dreams are gone. Do I wish it had turned out differently? No. Do I regret it? No. Do I miss it? Hell no. Everything I've done has brought me to this point in my life. If I hadn't gotten married, I wouldn't be here; here being on the verge of a better life. I wouldn't have been able to become the person I'm supposed to be. Which isn't saying that I know who that is. One thing I do know: I'm a COMPLETELY different person than I was 5 months ago; in fact, I'm a different person than I was a month ago. I've had people actually say to me "You seem happier" or "You're much nicer than you were 6 months ago." It kinda hurts, but at the same time-- I'm glad because I never realized how bad things had gotten... what a terrible person I'd become because I was unhappy.
I feel like the person I've been for the past few months, maybe even the last couple of years was never really, truly, honestly ME. I was living the life I thought I was supposed to, because it's all I'd ever known. And because I never took the time to find out who I truly am.
There's a line from a poem I wrote in high school that keeps playing in my mind over and over again: "Just because I'm broken doesn't mean I'm pathetic enough to want pity." Try to imagine the pity I see in most people's eyes when they look at me. It's quite depressing. And the things people say: "You're better off"; "Something better, someone better will come along"; "You're young, you've got plenty to look forward to." It's gotten so banal that I've contemplated packing up, moving away, and starting over. Perhaps going to a place where no one knows me and I can just figure out who I am, what I like, who I like, how I feel about anything and everything. But I can't do that right now... as much as I would like-- I can't run away from all this. I have a job, my family is here, and I feel like I haven't given it enough time to find out what's next for me here-- much less somewhere else.But I am broken. I had this life that I lived for 6 years and now that life and those dreams are gone. Do I wish it had turned out differently? No. Do I regret it? No. Do I miss it? Hell no. Everything I've done has brought me to this point in my life. If I hadn't gotten married, I wouldn't be here; here being on the verge of a better life. I wouldn't have been able to become the person I'm supposed to be. Which isn't saying that I know who that is. One thing I do know: I'm a COMPLETELY different person than I was 5 months ago; in fact, I'm a different person than I was a month ago. I've had people actually say to me "You seem happier" or "You're much nicer than you were 6 months ago." It kinda hurts, but at the same time-- I'm glad because I never realized how bad things had gotten... what a terrible person I'd become because I was unhappy.
I feel like the person I've been for the past few months, maybe even the last couple of years was never really, truly, honestly ME. I was living the life I thought I was supposed to, because it's all I'd ever known. And because I never took the time to find out who I truly am.
It's now officially February... and I honestly don't know where the last month has gone. My cooking class this weekend got cancelled because of the snow... so this month it's on to a new hobby! Working out is coming along, slowly but surely. And as you can tell from my last post-- the papers are here and I'll be signing them this week. I'll keep you posted on what happens next. I feel like I've made significant progress. I'm moving on with my life, not dwelling on the past... though I'm not completely okay-- I'm feeling better than I've felt in quite some time, physically, mentally, spiritually. And I'm just trying to enjoy whatever comes my way. Every mistake I made has led me to this point... and every mistake I make from here on out will continue to make me the person I want to be. For that, I'm thankful. You think you know... but you have no idea what will happen next. And I certainly don't have any clue.... but I'm eager to see how things play out! Peace for now...
♥ tiffany renee
