Goodbye 2009... Goodbye Old Me

Song of the Moment: "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha

Mood: confident

"I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you can learn to appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

Marilyn Monroe

Does everything happen for a reason? Did my marriage end because there's something better out there for me? Did it allow me to see that there's more to life?

I believe the answer is yes to all three of those questions.

In the past four months, I have learned quite a few things. One-- I don't have that many friends, but the few I do will always be there. Without that, I don't know where I'd be right now. Two-- I can do this on my own. I can be an independent person again. Three-- I have absolutely no idea who I am. For the past 6 years-- I have been Bill's girlfriend or wife. I had no interests or friends of my own really. And the ones I did have-- Bill made fun of me for. Four-- I really need to GET A LIFE My life before is gone and I need new friends to mix in with the old ones. I've got to put myself out there or I'll never know if I can do this.

I look back and I realize the past six years are about to be wiped nearly clean off my plate. Why would I want to save the thousands of pictures? What would I gain from them? Nothing. So I must erase the past six years... not entirely. But for the most part-- I feel like it's like I never existed and now I'm alive again. How crazy is it that it takes something like this, a catharsis if you will, to make you see that there is so much more to life out there?

In the past four months-- I have done several things I'd never done before:

• I started going out to clubs and bars... something I "hated" before. How could I have hated something I never did? I'm still not all that fond of going out, but I'm learning.
• I also took myself out to dinner for the first time. I mean, I actually went to a restaurant and ate by myself. I never did that before and it's something I find so liberating.
• I'm also seeing a therapist. When everything went down-- I knew I needed help and she's helping me so much with my own issues. (I'll get back to those issues later)

With all that said-- 2009 was a rocky year for me. I brought it in with a husband, a new home, and a what I thought was a new life back home in Tennessee.

This year-- I have none of those things. But the one thing I do have-- a positive outlook on the future.
2010 is going to usher in greatness for me. Can you feel it?

♥ tiffany renee

Undo It: Life Goes On

Song of the Moment: Undo It by Carrie Underwood
Mood: Hopeful

"You had my heart, now I want it back.
I'm starting to see everything you lack.
Boy, you blew it, you put me through it.
I wanna undo it."

Today marks 4 months since my world was turned upside down. Bill, my husband of a little more than 4 years, told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and that I should go stay with my parents. One day later-- I found out that he'd been talking to his MARRIED ex-girlfriend behind my back for 2 months since she moved back to Nashville. He swore they were just friends and only talking about "our problems". But since then-- I've learned a lot of things that would make your skin crawl. I'm currently living with my parents(not so much fun) while the house is up for sale. I was able to take my dog, Whiskey, who has been my comfort through this tough time. She was with me through two deployments... and I don't honestly know what I'd do without my little girl.

But enough of that-- I'm moving forward with my life in this new year. I'm only 24 years old and have plenty of life ahead of me. Now I am going to start 2010 with a long list of New Year's resolutions that I hope to accomplish:

1. File For Divorce: Yes, I am still technically married. Why, you ask? Because I haven't had the money or the willpower to make myself file for divorce yet. It's a hard decision that I know I'm ready for now.
2. Exercise: I have exercised sporadically over the past year, but I really want to get down to business. I need to lose about 10-15 pounds and this is the year I'm going to do it! I wanted to run the half marathon at the Country Music Marathon in April but I couldn't make myself start training soon enough. So now, I'm going to shoot for next year and perhaps runs some 5K's this year.
3. Find a hobby: I've never found one I truly loved and now is the time to do it. Here are some of my ideas:
• Re-learn French (I took 5 years in HS/college so I already should be fluent, but I'm not)
• Take Guitar Lessons (I've had a guitar since I was 16, but never learned to play)
• Photography (I have a nice, older Canon that I've never really used)
• Ballroom/Swing Dancing Lessons(I danced for 10 years when I was younger, and I think this would be so much fun)
4. Go to Paris: Possibly use some of my rusty french. It's been my dream since I was very young and watched my all-time favorite movie "Beauty & the Beast"... and if I don't go now, I don't know if I ever will!
5. Go Back to School:   To do what? I have no idea. I just find myself missing school sometimes.

So you may be wondering what this blog will be about... I promise not to go on and on about my soon to be ex... but as he was my entire life for the past 6 years-- he's bound to pop up sometime. Largely-- I want to focus on tracking my progress over the next year and see where this new life takes me.  Feel free to post any comments, concerns, criticisms or support! I love feedback! Hope you'll stick around for the ride...

♥ tiffany renee