Song of the Moment: "Jar Of Hearts" by Christina Perri
Mood: confused
I’m struggling and have no one I can tell because they wouldn’t approve. While in Vegas two weekends ago, I texted the “rebound” a picture of something that I knew he would like. I told my two best friends who I was on the trip with, and they berated me and made me promise I wouldn’t write him back if he wrote me back. I said I wouldn’t, but did it anyway. He told me I looked good and that he was glad I texted him. Last I heard, he was dating a girl he met off eHarmony and so I just left it at that and we didn’t talk again.
That was until Sunday night, I got drunk and texted him. He wrote me back the next day and we had a good conversation going when he told me that things were ending with eHarmony girl. I didn’t say much about it, and we stopped talking that afternoon.
Then last night around 11 p.m., he texts me and tells me he’s single. Just like that, my heart just falls again. Then we end up talking until 3 a.m. that night. The thing is I don’t know if I can do this to myself again. He’s already hurt me twice, and I just don’t know if I can do it again. I’m still not completely over him from the last time, and I don’t know what this means. Is he just looking for a rebound again? Is that all I am? He acted differently this last time, but yet he still started dating someone else when I thought we were going to start dating.
He’s so bad for me, and I know it. He has this power over me, and I just can’t say no to him. I’m so scared to even tell my friends because I know what they’ll say. Why? Because I’m saying it to myself: run, run as fast as you can and don’t look back. But I can’t. I care about him so much. I hate myself for it, but I’ve got this hope that one day it will work out. It’s not bad to have hope, right? There has to be a reason why we keep coming back to each other. Once, after my divorce. Then when he got hurt over the summer. And now.
He said last night that it was ironic that I texted him when things were falling apart with eHarmony girl. I don’t know if that’s true, but it is something.
But I feel like, perhaps, it’s just a comfortability issue. He’s easy because we’ve known each other so long. I feel like I can tell him anything, except how I feel about him. We just have this bond, left over from long ago.
I keep telling myself I was so much smarter when I was 14 and 15 when I was able to say no to his charms. I even said so to him last night, and he said it wasn’t that I was smarter back then, it’s just that now I’m more open to taking risks. And he’s right, I’ve done so much in the past year I never thought I’d do and I have no regrets anymore. Not my marriage, not all my drunken escapades, not a single moment with him.
I won’t lie, my transformation wouldn’t be the same without him. This past year has shaped my life and he was a big part of it. He helped me past a lot of my self-esteem issues and my fear of ever finding a man who would want me again. But does he really want me? In the words of John Mayer: Is it me or the thought of me?
A year ago this week, we had dinner for the first time. I realized he was the first man I’d ever had dinner with alone that wasn’t my husband. And we just clicked all over… we hadn’t seen each other since we were 17 and 19 and it was so easy to talk to him. We talked for three hours and would have kept talking if I hadn’t had to go to work. Then we started a “friends with benefits” thing for a couple of months. We both developed feelings and he got scared and ran away. I told him not to contact me, and yet the entire summer, I went to his bar over and over, hurting myself even more each time I saw him and talked to him and realized I couldn’t have him. I’m such a masochist. Then September came, and I’d promised I wouldn’t go back. Out of the blue, I get a text from him and we spend this amazing weekend together in Myrtle Beach. After that, things get started again. I thought things were different, he acted like they were, and then I had to tell him goodbye because he met a girl on eHarmony. But I never stopped thinking about him. Hell, I had to delete him on facebook because I couldn’t stand to see the pics of him and his new girlfriend.
And now, here we are. But where are we? Something always brings us back to each other. But why? He’s basically told me before that I’m just not enough for him. Not in so many words, but it’s what I inferred from what he’s said to me. In fact, the last time I saw him… we had this talk about what we were doing. I asked “why her and why not me?” and he didn’t have a good answer. It’s a question I’ve struggled with since we were in high school and he started dating another girl instead of me. But why is he back? Why is he doing this to me? Is it because I can’t say no to him, and he knows it. I don’t know.
And here I am again, I want so much more but I just don’t know where to go or who to turn to. Signing off for now because I don’t know what else to say.
Mood: confused
“Something always brings me back to you, it never takes too long.” ~ “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles
I’m struggling and have no one I can tell because they wouldn’t approve. While in Vegas two weekends ago, I texted the “rebound” a picture of something that I knew he would like. I told my two best friends who I was on the trip with, and they berated me and made me promise I wouldn’t write him back if he wrote me back. I said I wouldn’t, but did it anyway. He told me I looked good and that he was glad I texted him. Last I heard, he was dating a girl he met off eHarmony and so I just left it at that and we didn’t talk again.
That was until Sunday night, I got drunk and texted him. He wrote me back the next day and we had a good conversation going when he told me that things were ending with eHarmony girl. I didn’t say much about it, and we stopped talking that afternoon.
Then last night around 11 p.m., he texts me and tells me he’s single. Just like that, my heart just falls again. Then we end up talking until 3 a.m. that night. The thing is I don’t know if I can do this to myself again. He’s already hurt me twice, and I just don’t know if I can do it again. I’m still not completely over him from the last time, and I don’t know what this means. Is he just looking for a rebound again? Is that all I am? He acted differently this last time, but yet he still started dating someone else when I thought we were going to start dating.
He’s so bad for me, and I know it. He has this power over me, and I just can’t say no to him. I’m so scared to even tell my friends because I know what they’ll say. Why? Because I’m saying it to myself: run, run as fast as you can and don’t look back. But I can’t. I care about him so much. I hate myself for it, but I’ve got this hope that one day it will work out. It’s not bad to have hope, right? There has to be a reason why we keep coming back to each other. Once, after my divorce. Then when he got hurt over the summer. And now.
He said last night that it was ironic that I texted him when things were falling apart with eHarmony girl. I don’t know if that’s true, but it is something.
But I feel like, perhaps, it’s just a comfortability issue. He’s easy because we’ve known each other so long. I feel like I can tell him anything, except how I feel about him. We just have this bond, left over from long ago.
I keep telling myself I was so much smarter when I was 14 and 15 when I was able to say no to his charms. I even said so to him last night, and he said it wasn’t that I was smarter back then, it’s just that now I’m more open to taking risks. And he’s right, I’ve done so much in the past year I never thought I’d do and I have no regrets anymore. Not my marriage, not all my drunken escapades, not a single moment with him.
I won’t lie, my transformation wouldn’t be the same without him. This past year has shaped my life and he was a big part of it. He helped me past a lot of my self-esteem issues and my fear of ever finding a man who would want me again. But does he really want me? In the words of John Mayer: Is it me or the thought of me?
A year ago this week, we had dinner for the first time. I realized he was the first man I’d ever had dinner with alone that wasn’t my husband. And we just clicked all over… we hadn’t seen each other since we were 17 and 19 and it was so easy to talk to him. We talked for three hours and would have kept talking if I hadn’t had to go to work. Then we started a “friends with benefits” thing for a couple of months. We both developed feelings and he got scared and ran away. I told him not to contact me, and yet the entire summer, I went to his bar over and over, hurting myself even more each time I saw him and talked to him and realized I couldn’t have him. I’m such a masochist. Then September came, and I’d promised I wouldn’t go back. Out of the blue, I get a text from him and we spend this amazing weekend together in Myrtle Beach. After that, things get started again. I thought things were different, he acted like they were, and then I had to tell him goodbye because he met a girl on eHarmony. But I never stopped thinking about him. Hell, I had to delete him on facebook because I couldn’t stand to see the pics of him and his new girlfriend.
And now, here we are. But where are we? Something always brings us back to each other. But why? He’s basically told me before that I’m just not enough for him. Not in so many words, but it’s what I inferred from what he’s said to me. In fact, the last time I saw him… we had this talk about what we were doing. I asked “why her and why not me?” and he didn’t have a good answer. It’s a question I’ve struggled with since we were in high school and he started dating another girl instead of me. But why is he back? Why is he doing this to me? Is it because I can’t say no to him, and he knows it. I don’t know.
And here I am again, I want so much more but I just don’t know where to go or who to turn to. Signing off for now because I don’t know what else to say.
