Year In Review: Having Too Much Fun

Song of the Moment: “Perfectly Lonely” by John Mayer


Mood: hopeful

“And I don’t belong to anybody, nobody belongs to me….”

So it’s been a while. I started this blog last year this time in order to help me get my thoughts out and to help me keep track of my New Year’s resolutions. And what a year it’s been I honestly don’t know where it went. Time flies when you’re having too much fun….

This year has had its ups and downs. In January, my ex-husband finally filed for divorce after 4 months of being separated. The next four months, I waited around for the finalization and just tried to have fun. On April 5, we were officially divorced. In May came the floods. I also changed back to my maiden name and started a new job that wasn’t overnights. In June, I went on my first out-of-country vacation and signed a quit claim deed on the house I owned with my ex. In July, I sold my beloved Jeep because I couldn’t refinance it. In one week that month, I had 2 car break-downs, my 52-inch LCD shorted out, and I found out my ex-husband had married his ex-girlfriend that he swore he didn’t cheat on me with (yeah right). Then, I had to buy a new car(Mary Ann the Mazda). In August, I had my first experience with blacking out from drinking too much. Not good. In September, I celebrated my 25th birthday with more friends than I could have ever dreamed. Also in September, a vacation to Myrtle Beach turned into something I’ll never forget. By October, I realized I’d been overdoing things, and started to trim back. November and December were tough months just because of the holidays, though nothing substantial happened.
During all this year, I still have yet to date. I have kissed way too many frogs, and while I don’t regret anything I did, I am trying to get myself together. This year, I have gotten over my ex-husband, something I never dreamed would happen. I thought we’d be together forever. While my “rebound” helped me through my divorce more than I could have ever dreamed, now I struggle with the hurt of trying to get over the rebound. It’s a never-ending circle, isn’t it?

But I’m doing okay on my own. With my new schedule, I can’t even imagine trying to fit in dating, much less a boyfriend in my life. My friends keep me busy and I’m having a good time being single. In fact, I’m going to Las Vegas in January for a long weekend with my two best friends and I can’t wait.

I am also still living with my parents. It’s honestly not a bad situation, but it’s something I’m going to have to deal with for a while longer while I work on saving money (which I suck at).

This year, I’ve gained so many great, new friends, though some have turned out to be acquaintances. I’ll never forget the many nights I spent with these people while I was getting out my crazy, wild side. It was a fun summer that I will probably never repeat, but that I will never, ever forget. I also found my two soul mates… the two very best friends who I hope will always be in my life. They’ve been my rock and my confidants who are always there when I need them.

As I bring in the New Year, I think to myself that 2011 promises so many good things: a place of my own finally, paying down some debt, new & old friends, watching my nephew grow up, and maybe-- just maybe-- finally dating.
P.S. My New Year’s resolutions are to run more and lose 10-15 pounds, as well as get my own place!

I'm Not Who I Was & I Never Want To Be Again

Song of the Moment: "Bulletproof" by Laroux
Mood: content

"I wish you could see me now.
I wish I could show you how I'm not who I was.
I used to be mad at you, a little on the hurt side too.
But I'm not who I was ..."

"I'm not who I was" by Brandon Heath

I’ve been trying to write this for a few weeks now, and I think I need to get it out.
I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t recognize the person standing before me. It’s not a bad thing. The woman I was a year ago is not someone I would ever want to know or be again. I was very needy and dependent, plus I was so unhappy with my life that I took it out on others. The woman I am now is more confident, more independent, and genuinely a better person. I’m happy to say that my divorce has spurred to want to be better, for myself and for the others around me. I’m proud of who I am, but there’s still so much more that I want to do, so much more I want to be.
I look back at my life over the past year, and it’s hard to realize how I got to where I’m at. And where exactly am I at? A year later almost, and I’m still just as clueless as ever. But at least I know that. This time last year, I was so unhappy and I honestly couldn’t admit to myself why I was unhappy. Today, I’m not as happy as I could be, but I’m at least making strides towards something and most days, I couldn’t ask for much more.

There was someone in my life who I thought would be there for a long time, but for some reason, our friendship fizzled out. That’s something that has been nagging at me. This person was someone I could tell anything to, and I miss having that. I know why things had to be this way, but it genuinely sucks. I miss him, I miss knowing what's going on with his life, and I hope he knows that. Also, I realized today that when something good, bad, sad, or something stupid happens, I don’t have anyone to tell. I have quite a few good friends, but not one best friend. That’s hard. I’ve always been that kind of person who has a couple of best friends, and not many other friends.
On that note, I have more friends than I have ever had. I actually have more friends than I have time to hang out with them all. I’m not bragging, but I’ve never had that before, and I love always having something to do. But still, there’s something missing. I don’t know what it is. I think it’s that I wanted to figure out who I am, and I still have no idea. There are so many things I want to do, but I feel stalled. I am finally capable of getting my own place, but it is being put on hold waiting on my future roommate to get the money together. I keep wondering if I should just do it myself. I feel like so many things can’t happen until I get myself settled in my own place. I can’t date, I can’t feel like I’ve truly accomplished something… moving on completely. Because otherwise, I’m there. I signed the house over to my ex, so that’s a weight off my shoulders. I sold my Jeep that I loved dearly so that I could free myself of everything from my previous life. Everything else is done. But I still have so many questions, so many what ifs.

That sounds so dramatic, but it’s true. I am living a life I never expected to have to live. It’s not that I don’t like it, because I enjoy it. Most days I’m perfectly content with my life. Going out with my friends and having a few drinks and doing what I want to do is something I never thought could ever happen to me. And here I am, nearly 25, and I have a good job, good friends, and on my way to complete independence. I’m almost there and I can’t wait for the day that I can say I am there.

Stuck... but not Stagnant

Song of the Moment: "Young & Beautiful" by Carrie Underwood
Mood: inspired

"You've got to get yourself together. You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it. Don't say that later will be better. Now you're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it" 

'Stuck in A Moment' by U2 

It's been three months since I last updated and a lot of things have changed since then, though some have stayed the same. I'm now officially divorced as of April 5th and I changed back to my maiden name a couple of weeks ago. It was a very liberating experience. Unfortunately, I'm still connected to my ex-husband (I love saying that!) because we still own the  home together. That is another situation altogether. I'm not sure when that will ever get resolved. It's been on the market since October. Good news though, we got a new real estate agent last month so hopefully it will sell soon. If it doesn't sell by July, I plan to suggest renting it out. I refuse to live with my parents for more than a year, so August is my deadline for getting my own place. 

Also, I've met tons of new people over the past couple of months... and I'm slowly building up a great core group of friends who I look forward to being in my life for a long time. They're good people who truly care about me and want what's best for me. That's really all I could ever hope to find in a friendship and I'm so thankful for finding them.  

In other news, I got a new job. I haven't started it yet, but I will *hopefully* soon start with Channel 5's dot com department as an Internet News Producer. My schedule won't be completely ideal but it's better than working the overnight shift. This new shift (2pm-11pm) will allow me to have a semi-normal life and maybe even date! I'm looking forward to the change and hope that it will usher in a good change in my life.

But with all of these new and great things in my life, I still feel... stuck. I feel like I'm slowly trudging through mud; like I'm repeating the same day, the same week, the same weekend-- every day, every week, and every weekend. I just want things to move along faster. I want to start my new job, I want the house to sell, I want to get my own place, I want a steady schedule, I want to date, I want to find out what I like and what I need. Wow, that's a lot of wants. I just feel like I'm not ever going to get to a place where I'm just perfectly content. 

There are still some things that need to be done: I need to get my Jeep refinanced so I can get new car insurance. I need to take Whiskey to the vet; I haven't been the best dog "mom" to her lately. I need to get my name changed on EVERYTHING. I need to stop drinking so much; I feel like an alcoholic sometimes.

I'm really enjoying my life right now. Though I've done some things the past few months that weren't the best decisions, I have no regrets about anything I've done because it's brought me here. And here is exactly where I need to be. :) But I know I can't just wait around for things to work themselves out, I've gotta keep moving forward to a new and better life. Peace out.

 

Broken vs. broken-hearted

Song of the Moment: "Bruised But Not Broken" by Joss Stone

Mood: overheated

"Who says I can't be free from all of the things that I used to be? Rewrite my history, who says I can't be free?"
'Who Says' by John Mayer

What breaks a person? Love? Hate? Anger? Abandonment? Loneliness?

I'm sure at one point in life, everyone has been broken... may it be from loss of love, loss of friendship, loss of family, loss of work. Whatever it may be... being broken is a completely different thing than being broken-hearted.

Why do I say that? Because I don't feel broken-hearted. Broken-hearted means that emptiness you feel when you lose the one you love; feeling like you'll never be okay again. It means you can't imagine your life without that person and you feel like you just can't go on without them. I don't feel that way... maybe I did at first, but as time has passed I am so sick and tired of dwelling on the past, and what has happened to me-- that I feel like screaming. I'm not angry anymore and I'm not sad; mostly, I'm just content and taking things as they come my way.

 But I am broken. I had this life that I lived for 6 years and now that life and those dreams are gone.  Do I wish it had turned out differently? No. Do I regret it? No. Do I miss it? Hell no. Everything I've done has brought me to this point in my life. If I hadn't gotten married, I wouldn't be here; here being on the verge of a better life. I wouldn't have been able to become the person I'm supposed to be. Which isn't saying that I know who that is. One thing I do know:  I'm a COMPLETELY different person than I was 5 months ago; in fact, I'm a different person than I was a month ago. I've had people actually say to me "You seem happier" or "You're much nicer than you were 6 months ago." It kinda hurts, but at the same time-- I'm glad because I never realized how bad things had gotten... what a terrible person I'd become because I was unhappy.

I feel like the person I've been for the past few months, maybe even the last couple of years was never really, truly, honestly ME. I was living the life I thought I was supposed to, because it's all I'd ever known. And because I never took the time to find out who I truly am.

There's a line from a poem I wrote in high school that keeps playing in my mind over and over again: "Just because I'm broken doesn't mean I'm pathetic enough to want pity." Try to imagine the pity I see in most people's eyes when they look at me. It's quite depressing. And the things people say: "You're better off"; "Something better, someone better will come along"; "You're young, you've got plenty to look forward to." It's gotten so banal that I've contemplated packing up, moving away, and starting over. Perhaps going to a place where no one knows me and I can just figure out who I am, what I like, who I like, how I feel about anything and everything. But I can't do that right now... as much as I would like-- I can't run away from all this. I have a job, my family is here, and I feel like I haven't given it enough time to find out what's next for me here-- much less somewhere else.

It's now officially February... and I honestly don't know where the last month has gone. My cooking class this weekend got cancelled because of the snow... so this month it's on to a new hobby! Working out is coming along, slowly but surely. And as you can tell from my last post-- the papers are here and I'll be signing them this week. I'll keep you posted on what happens next.  I feel like I've made significant progress. I'm moving on with my life, not dwelling on the past... though I'm not completely okay-- I'm feeling better than I've felt in quite some time, physically, mentally, spiritually. And I'm just trying to enjoy whatever comes my way. Every mistake I made has led me to this point... and every mistake I make from here on out will continue to make me the person I want to be. For that, I'm thankful. You think you know... but you have no idea what will happen next. And I certainly don't have any clue.... but I'm eager to see how things play out! Peace for now...


♥ tiffany renee

bittersweet, yet exhilirating

Resolution No. 1 is actually happening!!! More updates to come soon!!!

P.S. What do you think of the new blog layout?

not THAT girl

Song of the Moment: "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga

Mood: amused

"There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out."
- Mae West

 I'm by no means THAT girl. I'm not sure I'll ever be THAT girl. You know the girl I'm talking about... the one that makes guys head turn and other girls talk trash about her behind her back. In fact, I've struggled with self-esteem issues my entire life. I'm also too responsible to be THAT girl. I've always been somewhat of a goody-two-shoes. Sure, I got married young and rebelled a bit in high school. But I always think about the consequences before I make any decision. Which is probably why I didn't drink for the first time until I was 19-- and why I've never smoked a cigarette. I'm far too practical... and perhaps a little old for my age.

I recently read an amazing book called "How to be Hepburn in a Hilton World". It's all about staying classy and fabulous in the world we live in. In my mind, less is definitely more, and I think it's better to leave something to the imagination. ;)

That all being said: I'm ready for something different.  I'm looking to try new things and make my life more fun and exciting. I want to get out more, meet more people. I know I keep saying it, but haven't done much to act on it. Well, I have been doing a couple of things, but those are kind of a secret. And to put things into work, I've got to overcome my self-esteem issues. But it's hard to overcome 24 years of something that is so ingrained in me. Honestly, I have been doing better. In the past few months, I've become more confident in myself and I feel like I'm almost a different person that I was 5 months ago. I dress better, I take better care of myself, I eat better(sometimes), I actually care what I look like when I go out. I am slowly forgetting who I used to be and slowly becoming just ME. (I'm also becoming a little more reckless... but that's a slow process)


I've also decided that once a month I'm going to do something different just for myself. This month: cooking lessons. They're next Saturday at the Viking School: French Culinary Basics. I'm stoked. Next month: who knows?

So what do you think? Any ideas or thoughts? Ta Ta For Now...

♥ tiffany renee

Overthinking, OVER

Song of the Moment: "Don't Rain on My Parade" -- Glee Cast Version

Mood: content

"Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets."

I tend to overthink things. I find myself obsessing over the little stuff, and it's not a good idea. One thing I find myself thinking about constantly is my current situation.

So I'm going to get this out, once and for all, and try my best to be done with it.
If you want to read on...

Tir(e)ing Times

Song of the Moment: "Meet Me Halfway" by the Blackeyed Peas

Mood: frustrated

"Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."

Murphy's Law is a sneaky, sneaky thing that creeps up on you when you least expect it.  For me, Tuesday was Murphy's way of saying "HAHA".

Monday night, I had dinner with an old friend from high school. We had a nice time catching up... then I went straight to work. But as soon as I walked in, I was in for a treat. One of our photogs came in to let me know my tire was flat.  I assumed (silly me) that it was a tire my dad had let me know had a nail in it last week, and I had neglected to get fixed. When I went out to see what I could do the next morning to fix it-- turns out, it was not the tire I had assumed, but instead a different. That was the first of Murphy biting me in the ass. Then I decided that as part of my journey to become self-sufficient and independent (i.e. going to dinner by myself, etc), I would try to change it myself. WRONG. The jack that comes standard on my Jeep Wrangler didn't work because of my 3" lift and 33" tires.

So I call my dad (he's the best)... and he comes out to help me out. Turns out, it's not just a flat, but rather a huge gash in the front tire. He finally gets the spare on(which is tiny compared to the rest of my tires)... and I head over to the tire shop. My tires are "muddin" tires that came on the Jeep when I bought it last year so they are not cheap. I finally make it home around 10 am(I'm usually in bed by 9 at the latest, usually earlier). I wake up around 2 pm (sleeping during the day is hard)-- and get a phone call around 3:30 that my "sway bar link" is broken. What that is, I don't know. Apparently it helps the Jeep not turn over... and I'm fond of not turning over. So that's another hefty addition to the price tag. An hour later-- they call back to tell me I need an alignment. Finally they call back again-- and they're done. So now that I've paid an arm and a leg to get this all fixed, I guess I'll be keeping the Jeep for some time. Lucky me.

In other news-- So I'm pretty sure my divorce is in the works... from here, I'm just looking forward to being single again and having fun. That's the key, I need more fun in my life. I work all the time, and then on the weekends, I don't do much.

And I've been running at work. So number 2 on my list is going okay. My goal for this weekend is to really get to work on finding my "hobby". I'm thinking about looking into taking a cooking class because I love to cook and would love to learn more about cooking. I love to eat so that's a good idea. I just guess I need to try some new things and see what I'm good at and what I enjoy.

That's where I'm at today. Where I'll be tomorrow, I'm not sure. But I hope to find whatever I'm looking for soon. Au revoir for now...

♥ tiffany renee 

To Live For

Song of the Moment: "Heartless" by Kanye West


Mood: TGIF

"When I am anxious it is because I am living in the future.

When I am depressed it is because I am living in the past."

What do you live for? What do you wake up each morning for? Is it your signifcant other? Your family? Your work? Your friends?

That's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. For those of you who don't know, I work overnights. I go to work at 10 each night and get off around 6:30am. I go to bed around 7 or 8... and then I get up each night at different times. Lately, I've been sleeping more and more. And I've been thinking, what do I have to live for?

Here's what I've come across to live for:

• My family: My precious parents and Heather and Trey-- my sister and her husband. And of course, their fabulous little boy, my nephew Lee.
• My friends: I've said it before, I don't have many. But your support is what I live for... I don't know where I'd be today without it.
• My job: Yes, even my job. The news business is unlike anything you can imagine. Yes, some days I dread coming in... but it's not the job, it's the hours that really get to me the most.
• My Dog, Whiskey: For those of you who don't know-- she was my birthday present 4 years ago to keep me company during deployments... and I don't know what I'd do without her. She makes me happy when I'm sad... and she's my little Whiskey girl. =)

Is that enough? For now-- I think so. I know in time, I will find more things to live for again. My life used to be so dependent on Bill... and I look back and I think-- what was I thinking? Becoming that girl, that wife? And I see things so clearly now. Life has to be about more than just one single person. Because when that person lets you down-- then what do you have?

Okay-- away from the deep thoughts-- and back to the new me. Nothing new on Number 1-- other than I think it's in the works.
On Number 2-- I have been running at work this week. Today will be the third day. So it's a start.
The rest aren't really happening, but we will see what this weekend brings.

Some other interesting news-- in the past couple of weeks, I have talked with two former Marine wife friends of mine, and guess what? Their husbands are doing the same thing that Bill did to me(excluding the cheating part as far as I know).

My Misconceptions

Song of the Moment: "What Can I Say" by Carrie Underwood(feat. Sons of Sylvia)

Mood: groggy

"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
-Marilyn Monroe

My misconceptions include:

• thinking my marriage to my "high school sweetheart" would last forever.
• that my husband would NEVER cheat on me.
• that I actually have friends.
• that I'm as strong as everyone else thinks I am.

Here it is-- 2010 in all its glory. What have I done so far on my new year's resolution list? Well as far as Number 1 (File For Divorce) goes... I think I'm in the beginning stages. The vow of silence between Bill and I was broken last week. After doing my best not to call him for two months-- I had to call him about the house payment last Thursday. We only spoke briefly, but he did tell me that he was going to see a lawyer this week. And he said he'd pay all the fees. So there's a good sign. I really wanted to be the one to do it, but if he's already offered to pay for it and has it in the works, so be it. I also told him I was taking everything(because this was all his idea)... and he actually said "ok". We also talked about the fact that NO ONE has looked at our house. It's been on the market for 2 months-- really? That's not ok. We talked about getting a new real estate agent. So we shall see.

Anywho-- I rang in the New Year in Knoxville at a party chock full of gay boys and single straight girls! Of the 3 straight guys at the party-- one was single. Now don't get me wrong-- I'm not looking for anyone new. I'm really not even sure I'm ready to date plus I'd like to get divorced before I start even thinking about dating. I'm already certain I'm going to be terrible at it anyway. I've never had to do it before... both my relationships(that's right, I married only the second guy I dated) kind of fell into my lap.

So let's talk about dating. First-- I don't think I could ever be one of those girls who sleeps around. I'm a one-man kind of woman. Second-- Where am I going to meet these potential mates anyway? I work the vampire(overnight) shift. And then I sleep all day. I barely go out on the weekends... but even so, do I want to date a guy I met at a BAR? I don't think so. Dating just seems out of reach for me... and I don't really know when I'll feel confident enough to even try.

Okay-- back to New Year's Resolutions. Number 2(Exercise) is off to a rough start as well. I did run about a mile on the treadmill at work today, so that's a start. I just have got to stick to it. When I finally do get my own place-- I guess I'll join a gym. I'd like to take some classes like Pilates or Zumba. Maybe I could actually meet some people.

Next up-- Number 3(find a hobby). I'm just not sure which one to choose. But I know I really need to do something to find myself. I need to get a life. I'm tired of doing NOTHING. Anyone have any thoughts or ideas?



P.S. Sorry I've already been slacking on updating this and I just started. I promise to be better. I just haven't had anything new to report. My life is that sad.

♥ tiffany renee