Song of the Moment: "Bulletproof" by Laroux
Mood: content
I’ve been trying to write this for a few weeks now, and I think I need to get it out.
I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t recognize the person standing before me. It’s not a bad thing. The woman I was a year ago is not someone I would ever want to know or be again. I was very needy and dependent, plus I was so unhappy with my life that I took it out on others. The woman I am now is more confident, more independent, and genuinely a better person. I’m happy to say that my divorce has spurred to want to be better, for myself and for the others around me. I’m proud of who I am, but there’s still so much more that I want to do, so much more I want to be.
I look back at my life over the past year, and it’s hard to realize how I got to where I’m at. And where exactly am I at? A year later almost, and I’m still just as clueless as ever. But at least I know that. This time last year, I was so unhappy and I honestly couldn’t admit to myself why I was unhappy. Today, I’m not as happy as I could be, but I’m at least making strides towards something and most days, I couldn’t ask for much more.
There was someone in my life who I thought would be there for a long time, but for some reason, our friendship fizzled out. That’s something that has been nagging at me. This person was someone I could tell anything to, and I miss having that. I know why things had to be this way, but it genuinely sucks. I miss him, I miss knowing what's going on with his life, and I hope he knows that. Also, I realized today that when something good, bad, sad, or something stupid happens, I don’t have anyone to tell. I have quite a few good friends, but not one best friend. That’s hard. I’ve always been that kind of person who has a couple of best friends, and not many other friends.
On that note, I have more friends than I have ever had. I actually have more friends than I have time to hang out with them all. I’m not bragging, but I’ve never had that before, and I love always having something to do. But still, there’s something missing. I don’t know what it is. I think it’s that I wanted to figure out who I am, and I still have no idea. There are so many things I want to do, but I feel stalled. I am finally capable of getting my own place, but it is being put on hold waiting on my future roommate to get the money together. I keep wondering if I should just do it myself. I feel like so many things can’t happen until I get myself settled in my own place. I can’t date, I can’t feel like I’ve truly accomplished something… moving on completely. Because otherwise, I’m there. I signed the house over to my ex, so that’s a weight off my shoulders. I sold my Jeep that I loved dearly so that I could free myself of everything from my previous life. Everything else is done. But I still have so many questions, so many what ifs.
That sounds so dramatic, but it’s true. I am living a life I never expected to have to live. It’s not that I don’t like it, because I enjoy it. Most days I’m perfectly content with my life. Going out with my friends and having a few drinks and doing what I want to do is something I never thought could ever happen to me. And here I am, nearly 25, and I have a good job, good friends, and on my way to complete independence. I’m almost there and I can’t wait for the day that I can say I am there.
Mood: content
"I wish you could see me now.
I wish I could show you how I'm not who I was.
I used to be mad at you, a little on the hurt side too.
But I'm not who I was ..."
I wish I could show you how I'm not who I was.
I used to be mad at you, a little on the hurt side too.
But I'm not who I was ..."
"I'm not who I was" by Brandon Heath
I’ve been trying to write this for a few weeks now, and I think I need to get it out.
I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t recognize the person standing before me. It’s not a bad thing. The woman I was a year ago is not someone I would ever want to know or be again. I was very needy and dependent, plus I was so unhappy with my life that I took it out on others. The woman I am now is more confident, more independent, and genuinely a better person. I’m happy to say that my divorce has spurred to want to be better, for myself and for the others around me. I’m proud of who I am, but there’s still so much more that I want to do, so much more I want to be.
I look back at my life over the past year, and it’s hard to realize how I got to where I’m at. And where exactly am I at? A year later almost, and I’m still just as clueless as ever. But at least I know that. This time last year, I was so unhappy and I honestly couldn’t admit to myself why I was unhappy. Today, I’m not as happy as I could be, but I’m at least making strides towards something and most days, I couldn’t ask for much more.
There was someone in my life who I thought would be there for a long time, but for some reason, our friendship fizzled out. That’s something that has been nagging at me. This person was someone I could tell anything to, and I miss having that. I know why things had to be this way, but it genuinely sucks. I miss him, I miss knowing what's going on with his life, and I hope he knows that. Also, I realized today that when something good, bad, sad, or something stupid happens, I don’t have anyone to tell. I have quite a few good friends, but not one best friend. That’s hard. I’ve always been that kind of person who has a couple of best friends, and not many other friends.
On that note, I have more friends than I have ever had. I actually have more friends than I have time to hang out with them all. I’m not bragging, but I’ve never had that before, and I love always having something to do. But still, there’s something missing. I don’t know what it is. I think it’s that I wanted to figure out who I am, and I still have no idea. There are so many things I want to do, but I feel stalled. I am finally capable of getting my own place, but it is being put on hold waiting on my future roommate to get the money together. I keep wondering if I should just do it myself. I feel like so many things can’t happen until I get myself settled in my own place. I can’t date, I can’t feel like I’ve truly accomplished something… moving on completely. Because otherwise, I’m there. I signed the house over to my ex, so that’s a weight off my shoulders. I sold my Jeep that I loved dearly so that I could free myself of everything from my previous life. Everything else is done. But I still have so many questions, so many what ifs.
That sounds so dramatic, but it’s true. I am living a life I never expected to have to live. It’s not that I don’t like it, because I enjoy it. Most days I’m perfectly content with my life. Going out with my friends and having a few drinks and doing what I want to do is something I never thought could ever happen to me. And here I am, nearly 25, and I have a good job, good friends, and on my way to complete independence. I’m almost there and I can’t wait for the day that I can say I am there.
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